Friday, July 29, 2005

194 - counting has never been easier

I don't really live on a farm. But because I'm not really dieting, I'm perusing my photo file and publishing some that make me feel good.

I need to think of a new name for the blog. Get the whole picture, not just a fleeting fancy.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Still 194

Not much to write tonight - already getting bored of whining about my fat. Feel accomplished that I figured out how to get a photo posted to my profile until I realized it was the wrong one. Oh well. That's me there on the right.

Dying for some comments. Is there anybody out there?

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Dessert (194 lbs)

Two nights ago, I had taken my daughter to Navy Pier and ended up at Bubba Gump's for dinner - the home of exceedingly large portions and lots of butter. I was so good. I had a simple dinner salad and a spear of grilled shrimp. Wow. I felt great. It was so nice not to feel totally overstuffed after eating out. I felt so great, I asked the waiter to see the dessert menu. After consuming an exceedingly large portion of bread pudding with ice cream and whipped cream, I didn't feel so great anymore.

Yesterday wasn't a bad day. After staying within some acceptable limits last night, I was feeling pretty good. Like, okay, maybe I can really do this dieting thing. And feeling good, and comfortable because I didn't over stuff myself, I was vegging on the couch watching "Dead Like Us" reruns and I thought, hmmm, wouldn't a cookie be great right now? But, like a good dieter, the cupboards have been cleared of any really tempting stuff. So unless I wanted to bake at 10:00 o'clock at night, there was nothing good to eat. This is when I really should have let my husband know that I was on a diet. I actually convinced him that this was a cookie emergency, and he should interrupt his very engaging computer game to run out to the store. And you know, he did. He brought home not only cookies, but a chocolate chip cookie ice-cream sandwich. This thing was about 700 calories, and after 10:00 at night - that's worse. God am I desperate. Only because I'm dieting.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Beginning at 195 lbs

Okay, the theme of this blog is obvious. I woke up last Sunday morning, weighed myself, and found me to be a whopping 195 lbs. I've always been tall, but this is beyond the "yeah, you can get away with it because you are tall" comments.

A little about me: I have an awesome life as a stay-at-home mom, although I am rarely home. Except for this moment because I felt obsessed about recording my weight drama. Usually, I volunteer at my daughter's school. It had closed last year due to mismanagement and a personal crises on behalf of the founder. So a few parents, including myself, volunteered our time to keep it open until the financial situation stabilized and we were able to hire a director. For the last six months, I've been busy, busy, busy and used the crises at school as a great excuse for not getting to the gym enough. But to be honest, even when I do get to the gym frequently, it seems to have little impact on my weight, because I eat - a lot. Can any of you identify with that?

I've now joined Weight Watchers Online. This has started as a bit of a joke. For example today, it is only noon and I've used up all of my points for the day. And I didn't think that I've eaten anything huge or inappropriate. Thank God I went to the gym this morning and earned an extra 7 points - so I'll have get the chance to eat a little something at dinner.

Typically, when I've dieted in the past, I become so obsessed with food. I write down all the food I've consumed. I plan my meals obsessively. And then I think about food every moment for the entire day, usually breaking down at around 3 or 4pm and eat huge portions of whatever's at hand. I always gain weight when I diet. It is dangerous to reach the maximum weight of 195 pounds and consider going on a diet. This is like asking to break 200. The only time that I've ever lost weight successfully is when a) I jog five miles a day, b) take diet pills or c) the World Trade Center is demolished by terrorists and I'm too fucked up and anxious to consider eating. A doesn't work for me anymore as I now have heel spurs in each foot and knees that in danger of developing arthritis. B is no longer an option because I love my husband too much to subject him to the daily drama of the resulting mood swings. Plus I hate yelling at my kid - and it seems that yelling comes too easily when on pills. And C, well, I'd never wish that horror to repeat ever - ever again. The recent London bombings caused that panic to reemerge, but not near the extent that it would create a blip on my food intake. It did however make me want to convert to a Republican, but then I awoke the next morning realizing how ridiculous that would be. Isn't that letting the terrorists win, by letting our fears affect our moral values?

I love food. This is going to be a tough road ahead because I hope to lose 50 pounds without destroying my marriage or becoming a self-absorbed, mean mom. Wish me luck.