Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Beginning at 195 lbs

Okay, the theme of this blog is obvious. I woke up last Sunday morning, weighed myself, and found me to be a whopping 195 lbs. I've always been tall, but this is beyond the "yeah, you can get away with it because you are tall" comments.

A little about me: I have an awesome life as a stay-at-home mom, although I am rarely home. Except for this moment because I felt obsessed about recording my weight drama. Usually, I volunteer at my daughter's school. It had closed last year due to mismanagement and a personal crises on behalf of the founder. So a few parents, including myself, volunteered our time to keep it open until the financial situation stabilized and we were able to hire a director. For the last six months, I've been busy, busy, busy and used the crises at school as a great excuse for not getting to the gym enough. But to be honest, even when I do get to the gym frequently, it seems to have little impact on my weight, because I eat - a lot. Can any of you identify with that?

I've now joined Weight Watchers Online. This has started as a bit of a joke. For example today, it is only noon and I've used up all of my points for the day. And I didn't think that I've eaten anything huge or inappropriate. Thank God I went to the gym this morning and earned an extra 7 points - so I'll have get the chance to eat a little something at dinner.

Typically, when I've dieted in the past, I become so obsessed with food. I write down all the food I've consumed. I plan my meals obsessively. And then I think about food every moment for the entire day, usually breaking down at around 3 or 4pm and eat huge portions of whatever's at hand. I always gain weight when I diet. It is dangerous to reach the maximum weight of 195 pounds and consider going on a diet. This is like asking to break 200. The only time that I've ever lost weight successfully is when a) I jog five miles a day, b) take diet pills or c) the World Trade Center is demolished by terrorists and I'm too fucked up and anxious to consider eating. A doesn't work for me anymore as I now have heel spurs in each foot and knees that in danger of developing arthritis. B is no longer an option because I love my husband too much to subject him to the daily drama of the resulting mood swings. Plus I hate yelling at my kid - and it seems that yelling comes too easily when on pills. And C, well, I'd never wish that horror to repeat ever - ever again. The recent London bombings caused that panic to reemerge, but not near the extent that it would create a blip on my food intake. It did however make me want to convert to a Republican, but then I awoke the next morning realizing how ridiculous that would be. Isn't that letting the terrorists win, by letting our fears affect our moral values?

I love food. This is going to be a tough road ahead because I hope to lose 50 pounds without destroying my marriage or becoming a self-absorbed, mean mom. Wish me luck.

1 comment:

  1. So I just had to come to the beginning of it all to see what the blog is all about. I am exactly like you when it comes to the diet thing. This post was over a year ago, and I haven't had a chance to read about your progress, but hope you are happy!