Yesterday, in well contemplated act of desperation, I asked my Doctor if there were any decent diet pills on the market. She wouldn’t even close the door to have the conversation. “They’ll help you to lose about 5% of your weight and the weight comes back as soon as you stop. If you want to talk further, you’ll have to schedule an appointment, like for next week because I have other patients waiting for me.”
Yea, like me, you skinny $*^#!. I’m the one with the scheduled appointment, and you couldn’t even close the door to talk with me. She came back a moment later, calmly apologizing because she assumed that I’m a walk-in – like there is some kind of stigma with being a walk-in. No, this time I really thought about it – I made the appointment. I don’t want to get a legal high, I just want to lose weight. And she brushed me off like I was homeless without insurance trying to get a fix.
She feigned compassion and concern as she discussed portion control, group diet centers (like Weight Watchers) and Slim Fast. On one hand she trashed the Atkins movement – the reason people lost weight was that there was nothing for them to eat. Until everyone started making low carb food, dieters could eat then they could eat again, and no one could lose weight. The Atkins’ empire is now bankrupt. On the other, she recommended grabbing a Slim Fast for a meal. Hmmm – really? That's sensible. She described the new American plate to visualize portion control. Really, I’m a professional dieter, not like I ever stuck to anything. But I’ve read everything and of course, I know everything. She talked about walking everyday (dismissing my knee, hip and heel spur issues) and then picking up a sport that I’ll really enjoy, like tennis (continuing to dismiss my knee, hip and heel spur issues). At the end, just like a good sales person, she asked, “well, Dominique, how does this sound to you?” Great. “Good, what can you work into your life today?” Gee, Doc, that part about tennis just sounded swell. I think I’m going out to buy my skirt and sneakers today.
Honestly, within the first few sentences of her discussion, I pleaded that whenever I attempt a sensible diet, like Weight Watchers, I become so obsessed with food, that I tend to gain weight. She took out a card from her breast pocket, “then you need to talk with this shrink so you can get that worked out.” I think that was about the most sound advice she could offer. I was so choked up with the realization that this is what I really need, that I had to tighten my throat and stiffen my lip to make it through her remaining trite lecture.
Damn these enlightened doctors. What happened to the day when they wisked out their prescription pad and doled out the narcotics on demand? I was really hoping to keep my issues at bay and let a little speed melt the pounds off.