Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Mommy Guilt

In spite of being super productive today, I've been feeling a little down.  Jasper is my youngest.  There are many days that I wish there are more kids to come; however, age, infertility, and perimenopause are all working against me.  So when Jasper really, really didn't want to go to his little neighborhood preschool this morning, I was conflicted.  About two thirds of the way to school, he abruptly turned around and high-tailed it across the park towards home.  I caught up with him at the cross walk - he waited to hold my hand before crossing the street.  Yoga was the biggest thing on my schedule today.  Giving it up for some Mommy-Jasper time wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.  Yet, I remember having this discussion with a teacher a few months ago, if I give in, it will be harder the next time he doesn't want to go, and the next time, until he is empowered knowing that he can call the shots.

But there is another side to this.  Why do we (conflicted mommies everywhere) feel so compelled to let go of our children at such a young age?  The research to support early childhood education seems as conflicted as my feelings this morning.  I am on the fence on this one.  While I still have one foot in the homeschooling community, I am scheduled to attend an open house for a school that seems interesting.  School for him means more time to write, photograph, workout, prepare meals, garden, blog... maybe get a job.  No school means more time with him.  Time moves so fast I'm afraid he'll be gone in a blink.  Oh, I love this boy.

Leaving him at school crying was devastating.  Yet, when I called fifteen minutes later, he was fine.  Quiet.  But fine.

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