Sunday, July 15, 2012

Fat Women Shouldn't Wear Bikinis

We're in the full swing of beach and pool season.  Or should I say, the throes?  I cringe every year when the frost melts, the daffodils bloom, and I know I never took off all that fat that I resolved to on New Year's Day.  Ugh, all those unresolved resolutions - weight loss seems to always be at the top.  Before I know it, the kids are dying to go to the pool.  Oy vey.  It vexes me so.  I've got a drawer full of extremely modest swimsuits to hold in my tummy, lift my breasts and cover my butt.  However, there is nothing that a swimsuit can do to hold in, reduce or hide all my body anxieties.  I'm a little better this year.  Something about being on a healthier path has given me a lot of body confidence.  I haven't lost that much weight, and I still dress modestly, but I'm not so freaked out about going to the pool or beach with my kids.  I feel pretty good about my body right now, and I'm happy to spend an afternoon lounging poolside while my kids play with their friends.



Not long ago I felt terrible about my weight.  In spite of hating, really hating being at the pool, I found myself at a local pool with a group of families from my daughter's old school.  They were all skinny and in good shape, even the husbands.  I was trying so hard to just focus on the kids and enjoy how much fun they were having with their friends.  There was a woman in the pool, by herself, just enjoying a corner of sunshine and cool water.  She was big and wearing a bikini.  Oh, did she spark quite a discussion.  She was not even that far from the group as the men declared that she had no business wearing a bikini.  Gross - they didn't want to see all that.  All the wives agreed.  There was a lot of clucking and nodding going on.  Here I was, sitting among them just stunned.  The woman they were trashing was no bigger than I was.  Did they have no idea how offensive they were?  How their words could hurt so much?



Finally I found my voice and offered that I think it was great that she felt so confident in her own skin that she could wear whatever she wanted and still enjoy a beautiful day at the pool.  There was no agreement in that group.  "Yeah, but still."  Still what?



Self Acceptance vs Complacency

I am all for working towards a healthier body.  There is a fine line between self-acceptance and complacency.  Self-acceptance is great at every stage of the game.  To love yourself allows you the ability to do good things for yourself.  Accepting an overweight body (I'm not talking about about that extra 5 pounds we'd all like to lose) to the extent that one no longer cares to make a healthy change, that's complacency.  However, it's so easy to get trapped in those feelings that I don't look good in a swimsuit, therefore, I'm not going to go swimming.  How about,  "I'm so fat and look terrible in my workout clothes, therefore, I can't go to the gym?"  See where I'm going - it takes self love and acceptance of our bodies to go out and do the things that are healthy for us - NO MATTER WHAT SIZE we are.   Our size shouldn't stop us from doing the things we love to do.

Okay, so I'm about her size, but I don't look like that!


Bodies are Beautiful

Now I ask, why do we (people in general) fear seeing other peoples bodies so much?  There is this notion that unless you are fit, sexy and gorgeous, you don't have a right to be seen.  When I was a kid, during my first trip to New York City to visit with my mother, she and I went to the nude beach on Fire Island.  Mom hated wearing a bathing suit, much to my complete embarrassment.  In Minneapolis, that doesn't fly so well.  Once sunbathing topless at Lake Harriet, a poor cyclist ran straight into a tree as he gawked at the unusual sight of a bare chest in the Midwest!  Fire Island, nudity wasn't so strange.  At first, I was mortified.  As a twelve year old, that was a lot to take in.  By the end of the day, it didn't seem so strange.  People walked proudly with all sorts of bodies.  Large, thin, old and wrinkly, flat chests, pot bellies, vericose veins, stretch marks, surgical scars, whatever.  The beach was filled with a very real selection of what humans look like.  And nobody seemed to feel any shame.  As evening drew on, the music came out and people danced, sang, touched and laughed.  I loved it and it was beautiful - the whole scene.



That experience didn't cure me of my own body issues, but it helped in how I perceived others.  I had always been interested in art throughout my life.  In college, not the stuffy Mormon school that I first attended (I dropped out of almost immediately), but later in NYC, I had taken a figurative drawing class.  Every class we had a nude model to draw from.  Some were thin, some were old and wrinkly, some were voluptuous, and one was obese.  As an artist, I found it hard to draw from the classic fit body.  I had seen that body over and over in the media.  It held no interest to me, and frankly, it lacks character.  It was those bodies, normal bodies, like everybody bodies, that had great character and fed me with a challenging figure to recreate with charcoal and paper.

Drawing by Jana Bouc

The day the obese woman came in was exciting.  She disrobed with a flourish, sat down, extended her leg, threw back her shoulders and lifted her chin.  She was all confidence and sexy.  The next day we had a little, thin waif.  Her posture spoke for her insecurity in disrobing.  It was very hard to draw her.  I felt sad.  She had the body that I wanted, yet it seemed she felt as terrible about her body as I did my much larger own.  Throughout the semester, an older gentlemen would come to model.  He was exquisite.  While he had kept his body in excellent shape, he was marked with the wrinkles that was inevitable for his age.  He gave me so much to put on paper.  I finally figured that I knew him.  He and his partner had joined us on one of those trips to Fire Island when I was a kid.  Wow, small world.



Back to the swimming pool.  I say don that bikini, tankini, or whatever bathing suit you feel comfortable in.  Love your curves.  Wear what you love and enjoy yourself.  When that skinny guy with the skinny wife begin clucking about the fat lady in the bikini, know that they must be so insecure in their own bodies that they have to make sour remarks on others.  Don't ever let anyone else tell you how to feel about yourself! 

You are beautiful.

9 comments:

  1. Love your last paragraph. Such a good way to sum it up. And I'm glad you were kind and strong enough to stand up for that lady at the pool!

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  2. Love this post, Dominique.
    emrys

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  3. Thanks Mom & Kathryn. : )

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  4. love this .. so true ... everyone is individual and beautiful. What a boring world it would be if we were all the same.

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  5. This is an excellent post. So true... I'm so glad i've read it. Summer is coming (i'm argentininan) and i have the same problems with my body. I'm so insecure, i was considering wether to wear a swimsuit or not. But this post made me realize it doesn't matter what people think about my 'size'!
    Thank you for writing this words. And if it's ok i would like to share it on facebook.

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    1. Hi Daniela. Thanks for your comment. You threw me for a minute - summer is coming on for you as it's getting cold and windy here in Chicago. I hope you feel encouraged to wear your swimsuit and enjoy the freedom to go to the beach or pool. You're beautiful.

      And yes, please feel free to share this post. That's so kind of you to ask.

      (By the way, I'm writing now over at www.rawvibe.com. I just haven't figured out how to move my archives over, yet :)

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  6. read this post.. not what i was expecting after seeing the title. I get so sick of people thinking they have the authority to say what is beautiful and what isn't. Good for you for standing up for that girl. I had not swum in years... but I recently got a new tankini that is actually big enough for my chest and I feel so confident when I'm at the beach. Heck with other people. I came across your blog by accident, but I'm subscribing and will see what else you have to say!

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    1. Hi Kimberly. Thank you for your thoughts. Seriously - agree, agree, agree! BTW, I've moved over to www.rawvibe.com and you can follow me there. Cheers.

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  7. Thank you for posting this. In two days I'm going to Florida with my sister and parents and I recently bought a bikini. I've never worn one before, but my sister was feeling insecure about getting one and it got me thinking -she shouldn't feel that way. She shouldn't have to have "the perfect body type" to wear what she likes. To help her feel more comfortable I got one too (with board shorts) so that she wouldn't feel alone in her fight to just be at peace with her body.

    I thought it was a great idea until I got home and it finally dawned on me that the insecure girl probably shouldn't have bought a bikini to help another insecure person feel comfortable. Your article made me smile though. If I can wear it with confidence and just enjoy my vacation, it shouldn't matter what everyone else thinks. Besides, I'm only going to be down there for a few days and probably won't be down there again in a while ;) They won't even remember me.

    Thank you again! I guess I just needed reassurance that I wasn't the only one who felt that we should all just accept ourselves.

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