Monday, August 13, 2012
Today's my birthday. I woke up with the remnants of a dream filtering through my vision. In it, I was turning 45 (shhh), returning home from college (huh?), and my home was bought by my sister (true). She invited me to stay there, but it was crowded because all my siblings were living there with their spouses and children (that would be a riot - literally). I couldn't afford to live on my own, so I moved in with my boyfriend who was 30 years older than me (a story for another day, perhaps a different blog). One of my sister's joined us. In my dream, I awoke next to this boyfriend feeling terribly sad. I was turning 45, had no children, no marriage, my boyfriend was too old to want to have kids, and I couldn't afford to live on my own.
Do you ever have those dreams when you awake feeling the same emotions that you had in your dream? I felt the sadness, the frustration, that feeling that my life has passed and I missed all that I wanted to do. I curled up deeper in my microfiber fleece bedding. Oh man, I love that stuff. It's not very sophisticated, but it's like having a great big hug from your bed. Then I rolled over and watched my husband sleep. Waves of love and gratitude washed over those false dream remnants. I have my babies, my spouse, my family whom I love to visit and have visit. I have friends who motivate me. I live in an area that inspires me. I have the life that gives me the freedom to pursue all my creative pursuits.
My husband will forget that today is my birthday, although as I write this, I know someone will see this and call to remind him. I've learned to let it go. As my expectations have decreased over the years, I enjoy the game of waiting for him to realize he forgot. It's actually become endearing.
Yesterday I saw a bunch of friends as we gathered to see one of the daughter's off to college (sniff, sniff). Because I've been traveling so much this summer, I haven't seen my friends enough. I arrived to big compliments about my weight and appearance. It felt really great because I've gained some weight back and in general, I feel pretty frustrated and down on myself about my eating. As we were talking, I acknowledged all that I've learned in this past year. I don't feel entirely hopeless about my temporary, summer setback because the biggest thing I've learned is that the weight loss doesn't just come off organically for me. I can't just make a few lifestyle changes and expect to see it all melt away. I need a diet. I need a food plan, down to the day, time, recipe and shopping list. I need a plan for a daily workout that includes the time that I will do it. One thing that I haven't been doing, that I think will help a lot is that I need to write down what I eat. I've heard that for long-term losers, one thing they have in common is that they continue to write down what they eat each day. I'm going to try that.
Today for my birthday, I am so lucky to be surrounded by a lot of great people whom I love. Of course, I wish it was more. My sister is in town with her kids. She's been getting me out daily to walk along the harbor. Such a privilege to start my day with an hour long heart to heart with this woman who I admire so much and who has always loved me unconditionally. My mom (one of them) is staying with us for my sister's visit, and my dad just arrived this morning. My newly adopted sister (Saki!) will come by this evening with her adorable daughter and husband. I'll put out an open invitation for anyone to come by for cake. Though we won't be eating cake, I'm making a raw vegan strawberry mousse tart for myself. It's amazing. Trust me. No one will be missing the cake.
I'm okay with growing old. 45 still feels young to me. I continue to have all the hope for the future. Maybe even more babies (crazy, I know). My body feels younger this year. More energetic. It thanks me for the changes that I've been making, even when I struggle so much. This year promises more adventures in homeschooling, raw food eating, writing, writing and writing, and I've committed to take my photography more seriously.
Happy Birthday, me.
Posted by Dominique at 12:03 PM